We just got back from a road trip to the dreaded south to visit Lana’s parents and pick up my dog. Along the way, we faced the unavoidable obstacle that is known to many as West Virginia. Now I’m going to tell you why it sucks.
1. Every fucking truck drives in the cars only lane.
2. There is only one major highway. This means that if you take a wrong turn at any point, have fun in Deliverance.
3. In spite of having only one major highway, there are a million exits – all of which lead, as I have learned from experience, to creepy little towns hidden in creepy little woods that are, without a doubt, part of the Twilight Zone.
4. Every fucking mile of the one fucking highway in this fucking state is a deer crossing.
5. These deer are not normal deer. They are stupid-ass West Virginian kamikaze dear that charge out, crash into the median strip and double back to take out your car in case they missed it the first time in their senseless path of destruction.
6. “Speed limit enforced by aircraft.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean?? Does the chopper come down and land on top of your car? Or is it more of a paratrooper landing on your windshield, slapping on a ticket, and then doing a tuck and roll off the side of the road kind of deal? Okay, if so, that’s kind of badass and may actually be one of the few good things about West Virginia that I’ve seen so far.
7. The good news is, there are bathrooms everywhere. The bad news is, those bathrooms are trees.
8. Next Exit: 2 miles. Exit after that: 79 miles. Food: Subway. Time: 4am.
9. There is no GPS signal in 70% of this state. There is no internet signal. I have come to believe this is how they get people to live in West Virginia. No one moves here – they just drive through here, lose their signal, and spend days trying to get out with no map or GPS. They finally give up and build a shack in the woods with a star tacked above the door. I’m onto you, West Virginia.
11. Only in West Virginia would they advertise a hair salon as a “Mane Salon.” Because apparently, in West Virginia, bitches LOVE being compared to livestock.
12. The only public restroom around for miles had a single cracked, grimy bar of soap with green shit growing on it with which to wash your hands. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of soap?
13. We missed that exit mentioned in #9.
14. Having to go the speed limit despite trucks riding your ass because an alien pulled over by the CIA would have a better chance than a gay couple pulled over in West Virginia.
To be fair, I should include a list of the positive things I’ve noticed about West Virginia, too. I’ll be as exhaustive as possible.
1. It’s not Kentucky.
2. Lana’s mother doesn’t live there.
3. Gas is cheap.
Never let it be said that I’m unfair.